Coping with the Loss of my Father

My father who was my best friend, role model, advocate, and support passed away on Christmas Eve. He had bone cancer. He was older. We all knew it was coming. I should of been prepared, right? No. It doesn’t make losing him any easier.

My father was a Gentle, Humble, Holy man. He lived a moral life of love and compassion. My father was love. My father always did the right thing. He didn’t swear or smoke and rarely had any alcohol. He made an effort to make others feel loved and special (even his nurses on his death bed) until his last breath.

He always put everyone else first…especially me. I was the youngest of 6 children. My parents had me later in life with a large age difference between me and my siblings so I sometimes felt like an only child. For all of my life, my father was my confidante and main supporter. We both shared everything with each other. I discussed my problems with him and he gave me advice. I always felt safe and supported. Whenever something good or bad happened, he was the first to call and vice versa. Even when building this website, my dad was with me every step of the way.

Despite a very hectic and busy career as a Dentist, he never missed a sporting or music event. He drove my friends and I around town to sleep overs and games.

When I was sick (and I was on several occasions for several years), my father was the one that always showed up and took care of me. He always believed in me and believed me when I said I was sick. Whether it was staying on my very uncomfortable “trendy” couch in Chicago for a month so that he could walk me to work everyday because I was so ill and didn’t have the strength to do it myself or driving me to hundreds of Dr appointments while he was in his 70s, he was my person. I may of had crappy health, but boy did I ever have loving support from my father. I could always rely on him. He was always there no matter what without questions or eye rolls.

I was so blessed to have such a wonderful father. Many people don’t have great parents. I’m so very grateful but it makes losing him all that more difficult.

I am trying to grieve this enormous loss but I don’t know how. People say to hold on to the memories but thinking of the memories and looking at photos just makes me cry. I cry out of the blue just walking at the supermarket. It’s embarrassing. They say time will make things better. I don’t think so. I think maybe with time I will learn to manage it better but it never will be easy or less sad. People say, oh he was older, you should of been prepared. No. That doesn’t make it easier. I have a full life ahead of me to live without him. Navigating this new life without him is new territory. No one can prepare you to lose someone you love.

My father was a strong Christian. He had no fear of dying and was peaceful all the way till the end even with his enormous physical pain. He helped others, lifted them up, and prayed with them even while sick and dying. My fathers motto was he’s going to live until he dies then he’s going to live again. He’s certainly alive shining above with the Angels. But selfishly I wish he was still here. I need him. I feel lost without him. A few days before he died he said “Amy, you have to pull yourself together.” I’m trying to for him…One day at a time.

Here are some ways you can give support to someone who is grieving:

1. Never avoid someone who is grieving. They may be isolating but reach out anyways.
2. Let them cry. People shouldn’t hold the sorrow in. Crying is healing. Feel the feels and let it out.
3. Go to the wake or funeral. You’d be surprised at how many people don’t show up at funerals and wakes. I really wish more people made an effort to be at my father’s. Just slowing up means a lot.
4.  Be a good listener. Stop talking and giving advice. Just listen to what they have to say.
5.  Everyone grieves differently. Respect the person’s way of grieving.
6.  Accept mood swings. One hour things might be great, the next hour things may be falling apart. That’s normal. It may be difficult but it is part of the grieving process.
7.  Continue living and keep the normalcy. Be the solid person the grieving person needs to see. Life keeps going on and it’s important to keep doing normal things to get back into a routine.
8. Do things together. Encourage the grieving person to join you in activities. Doing joint activities is a great way to bond and feel loved and supported without saying anything
9.  Do continue visiting and calling after a month or two. Frequently, the visits and calls stop after a month. Stay connected with them and keep calling.
10. Be present without saying anything. Just being physically there means the world and the person feels less alone. Extra points for hand holding.
11.  Spend the night. Especially if someone lost a spouse, consider spending the night with them so they aren’t alone in the beginning
12.  Love like my father did. Just love like my father did. Always put others first.